Maybe not every day, but today I am strong and resilient. Today I will not give up, I will not think of giving up, it is not an option.
I’ve been fighting for so long but today I will heal, I will clear my mind and open my heart, strengthening myself to help share the burdens of others and give love to my families. Today I will remain mindful, separating the toxicity of my mind from the reality that I live, not falling into the endlessly web-spinning trap. Today I will be better, I will be stronger with each ‘today’ there is, I will take care of my mind, body and soul and those around me.
I’m just so tired
i want to quit life and move into the woods and not deal with any of this. There is no end, there will always be a struggle, why am I trying so hard to live in a society that seems so fucked?
The waste, the pollution, the poor health, the cruelty, all of this, it hurts my heart so deeply and I’ve abandoned any previous notion I once had to save the world or impact my society.
I don’t even think I want to work in film anymore and I fucking love my job but it’s not helping anyone or anything. It plain old just doesn’t feel right and I don’t think it’ll ever be enough, even if I’m as successful as my mentors or the big time designers I admire, it doesn’t seem like it ever gets that much better after a certain point.
Will a job that lets me help people fulfill me or will it always be like this? A bleak future.
I’ve been thinking about becoming a teacher, I would hate that job and I would have to go back to school, what would be the point of that? why am I thinking about that? I would still live in society, isn’t that my problem? My inability to comfortably deal with the politics of my work and friendship? to feel secure in being me when I don’t even know who I am and if I have anything to even offer other humans around me?
I just want peace and aloneness with my love. To relieve the overgrowing pressure I feel constantly, to be kinder, smarter, prettier, thinner, healthier, cleaner, organized, dependable, charming, intriguing, mysterious, warm and welcoming, stronger, tougher, fearless. To be fearless and aggressive in my pursuit of life, real life. whatever that is.
I make good money, Im in the union, I work with great people often and every job is better but I’m still constantly dissatisfied with my work. Is that what it is? is that why I’m upset? no, that’s not it. it’s much bigger than that.
it’s all of it, combined, all of life. I don’t want to be here anymore, I have a feeling my life has a different purpose, the world is not real and the universe is infinite, so why am I stressing? Why am I living this life when I could live a different one?
I can’t anymore, I just can’t.
it’s all too much.
Im drowning but Im breathing. I don’t know what to do or if I should do anything at all, sinking endlessly to the bottom along side all of us that get stuck in the trap of complacent, muling, life.
the mundane and unsatisfying but perfectly safe and reasonable enough that swimming to the surface is insane
sorry to anyone reading this direct train of my thoughts, Im lost
